Two Little Words That Cause Very Big Responses

Two Little Words That Cause Very Big Responses

In a slight departure from what I normally do here, I'm going to share with you a couple of words that can provoke an unintended response.  However, if you use them with a lot of forethought you can steer a person exactly where you want them to go.  Most of the time when these words are used there is little thought given to the process and if you carelessly toss these words about you can be headed into a very bad neighborhood.  This is especially true if the person you say them to is a fast thinker and already has the arsenal of knowledge in using these words.

WHY?

Although this is often used as a question, it is actually the opening for a debate.  When somebody asks you 'Why?' it puts you on the defensive.  It's almost accusatory in nature.  Admittedly there are times it's just a general question of curiosity.  As an example, if I tell someone I'm going to the store and the response is "Why?", they are really asking "What do you need to get?" in an abbreviated form using only one word.  If the emphasis is placed just right, the meaning of what you just read above changes to a snarky comment with "Why?"  Instead of, "What do you need to get?", it becomes "What do YOU need to get?"  Therein lies the problem with the use of the word "Why/"

Lawyers are very judicious (kind of a pun) when using the word "Why?"  They have, in many cases, thought it through and are looking for an opening to draw you into a debate that has been well thought out on their end.  I call this tactic 'Pretzelization of a Witness'.  That is a way of getting someone on the stand to answer a question so it can be twisted and turned into something it was never meant to be.  All of this is done for the benefit of blowing smoke up a juries collective butt. 

Having been on both sides of the boss/employee spectrum, I'm pretty well versed on the use of 'Why'.  Whether the boss or the employee, before I tossed that question on the table I would always try and think though all the possible answers and be prepped for whatever would come my way.  I wanted to take the conversation in the direction I wanted it and not the other way around.  

The key to using 'Why' is preparation.  Think through all of the potential answers and think them through a second time.  In getting ready to use the, as I call it, BIG W, it helps to bounce the situation off of a third neutral party.  You might consider doing a couple of bounces using two neutral parties.  A good offense is pre-active while defense is reactive.  Having preplanned how and when to use 'Why' is always the better place to be situated.

Let's say you're on the receiving end.  The quickest way to handle being asked this question is a slightly confused look, and pregnant pause followed by failing to understand the relevance of the question.  Good boxers know not to get drawn into the corner.  'Why' is the corner.  Don't go there.  Maybe a simpler way of putting this is force the person asking the question to change the question and get it away from 'Why'.  Don't get drawn into a debate that the other guy has rehearsed. 

I heard a minister once say, "God never answers the question 'Why' because He realizes it's the opening for a debate and He will not be drawn into one."  If you think about it, there is some very good logic there. 

FAIR

I really hate the use of this word.  REALLY!  This word gets used more than a $10 whore on 1/2 price day.  To use this correctly you need to understand it.  Fact is, most people THINK they understand it but don't.  After you read this you will really understand FAIR.

The use of the word 'fair' requires an established, understood, and, hopefully, written standard of practice.  Anything less than the above changes 'fair' from an accurate argument into a perceptive state.  That means what you perceive to be 'fair' can be totally different from what I perceive to be 'fair'.  When fair becomes a matter of perception it is no longer the right word for the argument.

Let me clarify this a bit.  Let's say I'm driving down the road at 50 in a 45 m.p.h. posted zone.  I get pulled over and get a ticket.  I say, 'Hey, this isn't fair,"  I lose because it is an established and written standard which can be proven.  Now let's say I'm driving next to somebody and we're both doing 50 in that same 45 place.  I get tagged for speeding and the other dude skates.  I say, "Hey, that isn't fair."  I win.  To be 'fair' in this case either my ticket is voided or dude 'B' gets tagged too.  The reason I'm correct in this case is, again, the established and written standard.  Let's call this 'provable equity'.

The use of 'fair' becomes wrong when it is 'unprovable equity'.  The word 'fair' is used often when the word 'equal' or 'equality' should be the word.

Let me give you an example of the above.  I have a cookie and 2 kids.  One of youngsters weighs 50 lbs and the other is 100 lbs.  I split the cookie down the middle and give them each 1/2.  Whoops, then the argument starts.  The lighter of the two says, "That isn't fair.  I'm smaller.  I should get more."  The heavier one says, "Hey, I should be the one getting more.  This isn't fair.  I'm bigger and use more calories."  The 'fair' argument in this case is a matter of perception and invalid because there is no established, understood and/or written standard.  The actual argument is equality and since they are getting equal pieces both kids are wrong. 

Most teenagers throw out the 'fair' argument to parents.  Most parents don't understand 'fair' and take the bait.  When parents don't know the meaning of 'fair', teens often win this debate when they really shouldn't.  Parents - learn the difference between 'fair' and 'equal'.  Keep the argument on the proper track.  As a parent if you get side railed you will soon get derailed. 

Foxnews uses the term "Fair and Balanced" and I have a problem with their use of the word 'fair' when it should be 'Equal'.  I understand that 'Fair and Balanced' has a nice sound to it.  It does.  That doesn't make it right.  Likewise, "totally destroyed" has a nice sound to it but if something is 'destroyed' the word 'totally' is unnecessary.  Maybe Foxnews should simply say "Equal, Balanced" because if something is 'Balanced' there must be a state of equilibrium, so 'Equal and Balanced' would be the equivalent of 'totally destroyed'.

And now I give you the ABSOLUTE WORST use of the word 'FAIR' I ever heard.  A commentator was talking on television about something being 'fair'.  He was wrong in using 'fair' for all of the above reasons.  At the end he made it worse by saying, "What could be more fair then that."  'More fair' is like 'totally destroyed'.  

Don't get me started about how pissed I get when I'm watching television and the reporter says, "As you can see....."
  
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